You know that feeling when you get home after a day of being perfectly pleasant, professional, and “on,” and you feel completely hollowed out? You didn’t run a marathon. You didn’t carry heavy boxes. You just… interacted with people.

For a long time, I thought this was just how adulthood felt. I thought being tired was the price we paid for being “good” people—polite, accommodating, low-maintenance.

But looking at the research, it turns out that a lot of what we call “politeness” is actually something much more expensive. It’s often a stress response dressed up in good manners. It’s your nervous system running a marathon while you’re sitting still in a meeting.

We’re going to look at 11 specific habits that seem harmless—virtuous, even—but are actually metabolic leaks draining your battery. We’re keeping the science and the stats, because you need to know this isn’t just in your head. But we’re going to talk about them in a way that actually makes sense for your real life.

These first few habits are the big ones. They usually start in childhood as a way to stay safe or be loved, but as adults, they just leave us exhausted.

1. The Fawn Response: When “Nice” is a Trauma Reflex

Let’s be honest: there’s a difference between kindness and what experts call Fawning . Kindness is a choice; Fawning is a reflex. It’s that moment when someone says something slightly aggressive, and before you can even think, you’re smiling, nodding, and agreeing with them.

Therapist Pete Walker coined this the “Fawn” response. We all know Fight, Flight, and Freeze. Fawn is the fourth sibling: Please and Appease.

Here’s the physiological reason why this drains you so fast. When you fawn, your body is doing two opposing things at once:

1. Gas Pedal: Your sympathetic nervous system revs up to perform —to be charming, helpful, and attentive.
2. Brake Pedal: Simultaneously, you are shoving down your own authentic feelings (anger, fear, disgust) to avoid conflict.

It’s like driving your car with one foot slamming the gas and the other slamming the brake. You aren’t going anywhere, but you are burning out your engine. Research shows this state of “mobilization with inhibition” is metabolically expensive and keeps your stress hormones, like cortisol, simmering constantly.

The Fix: The Sacred Pause

You can’t just “stop” a reflex, but you can delay it.

• The Habit: Immediate, breathless “Yes, of course!”
• The Shift: Buy yourself 5 seconds. “Let me check my capacity and get back to you.”

2. The “Sorry” Reflex (Habitual Over-Apologizing)

I used to apologize to furniture when I bumped into it. Maybe you do that too. It feels like “good manners,” but psychologists call it a status-lowering behavior.

When you apologize for things that aren’t your fault (like the weather, or someone else bumping into you ), you aren’t being polite. You are signaling submission. You are telling your brain—and the other person—that you are taking up too much space.

The Science of “The Pratfall Effect”

There’s a fascinating concept called the Pratfall Effect . It says that if a highly competent person makes a mistake, people like them more because it humanizes them. But here’s the catch: this only works for genuine mistakes. Research suggests that habitual, unnecessary apologizing actually lowers people’s perception of your competence and confidence .3In a study using email vignettes, messages with unnecessary apologies were rated as less warm and less competent than direct ones.

Cheat Sheet: Flip the Script

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) suggests swapping apologies for gratitude. It changes the energy from “I’m a burden” to “You’re helpful.”

Instead of saying…	Try saying…	Why it works
“So sorry I’m late!”	“Thank you for waiting.”	Honors their patience instead of highlighting your mistakes.
“Sorry to bother you…”	“Do you have a minute?”	Respects their time without devaluing yours.
“Sorry, I might be wrong but…”	“Here’s my perspective.”	Removes the pre-emptive shame.
“Sorry!” (bumping into someone)	“Excuse me.”	Reclaims your right to exist in the space.

3. The JADE Cycle (Over-Explaining)

This one is a personal favorite of mine to hate. JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

It happens when you set a boundary—”No, I can’t come to the BBQ”—and then immediately launch into a five-minute monologue about why . “I’m so tired, and work has been crazy, and my cat is sick…”

Why do we do this? Because deep down, we don’t feel like “No” is a valid answer unless the other person agrees that our reasons are good enough.

The problem is, when you JADE, you turn a decision into a negotiation. Toxic people or pushy bosses love this. If you say, “I can’t, I have no money,” they say, “I’ll lend you some!” Now you’re trapped.

The Fix: Medium Grit

You want to be like a rock with “medium grit”—not sharp enough to cut, but not smooth enough to slide over.

• Script: “That doesn’t work for me.”
• Script: “I have other plans.” (Staring at the wall counts as a plan).

4. Toxic Positivity (The “Good Vibes Only” Trap)

“Look on the bright side!” “Everything happens for a reason!” We say these things to be polite/supportive, but often we’re just engaging in Toxic Positivity . This is the act of suppressing negative emotions to maintain a comfortable social veneer.

Here is why this is physically draining: Suppression is hard work.

A study by Gross and John (2003) found that people who suppress their negative emotions actually experience higher physiological stress responses (blood pressure, heart rate) than those who let it out. Even worse, the effort of hiding your feelings consumes cognitive resources, meaning you literally have less brainpower available to remember details or solve problems.

Real Connection Script:

Instead of “It could be worse!”, try Validation .

• “That sounds incredibly hard.”
• “It makes sense that you’re upset.”
• “I’m here with you in this.”

The Performance of “Professionalism”

Work is where a lot of our energy goes to die. And it’s not just the tasks—it’s the acting .

5. Code-Switching

For many people—especially Black women and other marginalized groups—”professionalism” involves a massive amount of Code-Switching . This is adjusting your speech, appearance, and behavior to make the dominant culture comfortable.

The stats here are heavy. A 2024 survey found that 34% of Black workers and 35% of Hispanic workers reported code-switching at work.

It’s not just “talking professionally.” It’s a constant, vigilant monitoring of self: Is my hair too ‘ethnic’? Is my tone too ‘aggressive’? Am I confirming a stereotype?

This vigilance leads to burnout. Research shows that frequent code-switchers report significantly higher rates of mental and emotional depletion. It’s a second full-time job that you aren’t getting paid for.

The Fix:

This is largely a systemic issue that workplaces need to fix. But for you? Find your “safe zones.” Identify the 1-2 people you don’t have to perform for, and protect that time with them. And please, acknowledge that this fatigue is real labor. You aren’t “just tired”—you’ve been working double shifts.

6. Social Masking (The Camouflage)

Similar to code-switching, Masking is often discussed in the context of neurodivergence (ADHD and Autism), but many of us do it. It’s the manual effort of looking like you’re paying attention.

• Make eye contact for 3 seconds.
• Nod now.
• Don’t fidget.
• Laugh at the joke.

For neurodivergent folks, this is lethal. Literally. A 2024 review linked high levels of camouflaging to increased suicidality in autistic adults. It leads to “Autistic Burnout,” which isn’t just being tired—it’s a loss of function.

The Fix: Sensory Audits

If you have to mask to survive your job, you need to aggressively recover your energy elsewhere. reduce sensory input when you can. Turn the lights down. wear noise-canceling headphones. Stop performing “listening” with your face if you can listen better while doodling.

We like to think we are just “empathetic,” but sometimes we are just being emotional sponges.

7. Ruinous Empathy

I love this term from Kim Scott (author of Radical Candor ). Ruinous Empathy happens when you’re so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings that you hurt them in the long run.

It’s the boss who won’t tell an employee their work is bad, so the employee gets fired a year later with no warning. It’s the friend who won’t tell you that you have spinach in your teeth.

We think we’re being nice. Actually, we’re being selfish. We are prioritizing our immediate comfort (avoiding an awkward conversation) over their long-term growth. The cognitive dissonance of smiling while thinking “this is a disaster” is a massive energy leak.

The Mantra: “Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind.”

8. The Listener’s Burden (Becoming the “Toxic Handler”)

Are you the person everyone vents to? The “work therapist”? In organizational psychology, this role is sometimes called the Toxic Handler . You absorb the anxiety, complaints, and trauma of the group.

Humans have mirror neurons. When someone dumps their stress on you, your body literally mirrors their physiological state. You catch their stress like a cold. Research on teachers found that those who put the most effort into “active listening” to students’ trauma had the highest rates of burnout.

The Fix: The Resource Referral

You don’t have to be the solution.

• Script: “I love you and I hate that you’re going through this. I don’t think I have the mental bandwidth to give this the attention it deserves right now. Have you thought about talking to?”

9. Filling the Silence

Silence makes us anxious. In a conversation, a pause of even four seconds can trigger a feeling of rejection or “social failure.” So, we rush to fill it. We babble. We offer discounts we didn’t mean to give. We over-share.

This is driven by a need to control the vibe, to ensure everyone feels “safe.” But it is exhausting to be the one constantly keeping the balloon in the air.

The Fix: The 5-Second Rule

In sales, they teach the “5-Second Silence Rule.” After you say something important (or ask a question), count to five.

• Let the silence do the heavy lifting.
• Trust that the other person is thinking, not judging.
• Pro Tip: If you’re on the phone, hit the “mute” button right after you speak. It physically prevents you from ruining the pause.

The Paralysis of Perfection

Finally, the habits we do when no one else is even watching.

10. Waiting for Permission

This is the habit of delaying your life until an authority figure tells you it’s okay.

• “I’ll apply for the promotion when I feel 100% ready.”
• “I’ll start the hobby when I have the perfect gear.”

This creates an “Open Loop” in your brain. The Zeigarnik Effect states that our brains hold onto unfinished tasks much tighter than finished ones. Procrastination isn’t rest; it’s active, draining mental work. You are carrying the weight of the thing you haven’t done yet.

The Fix: Bias for Action

Stop asking “Am I ready?” and start asking “What is the smallest move I can make that doesn’t require permission?” Action generates evidence of safety. Waiting just generates fear.

11. Social Perfectionism (The “Cool Girl” Trap)

Social Perfectionism is the belief that you must be effortless. You can’t be awkward, you can’t be needy, and you definitely can’t struggle. This leads to Post-Event Rumination . You know this one: lying in bed at 2 AM replaying a conversation from three years ago, agonizing over whether you sounded weird.

This is a direct path to anxiety and depression. It keeps you isolated because connection requires messy vulnerabilities. If you’re perfect, people might admire you, but they won’t know you. Go into a social interaction with the goal of being a “B-” conversationalist. Be a little awkward. Have a quiet time. Stumble over a word. You’ll find that not only does the world not end, but people actually like you more (remember the Pratfall Effect?).

Need More Help Reclaiming Your Energy? Look Into These Tools

Making the shift from people-pleasing to setting healthy boundaries is hard work. It requires mental clarity, stress management, and dedication to self-care. To support your new commitment to protecting your energy, consider adding a few practical tools to your routine. These products can help you find stillness, improve your focus, and physically manage the tension that those draining “polite” habits create in your body. They’re designed to help you commit to the pause and prioritize your well-being.

Five Products to Aid Your Boundary and Energy Reset

1. The BQ7 Planner or Digital System:

Helps you see your commitments clearly and avoids the draining habit of the automatic “Yes.” A dedicated planner forces you to pause and check your capacity before over-committing. Look for one that includes goal setting and reflection space.

2. Noise-Canceling Headphones (Over-Ear Style):

Directly combats the draining habit of “Instant Response Expectation” and “Ignoring Transitions.” They are a physical signal to others (and yourself) that you are in a Recovery Zone or Deep Work Window, making it easier to hold your cognitive boundary.

3. comfortable 15lbs weighted blanket

Useful for regulating the nervous system. The deep touch pressure (DTP) provided by a weighted blanket can help shift your Vagus Nerve response, moving you from a fight/flight state (caused by chronic stress/people-pleasing) back into a restorative state. Great for the 30-minute quiet transition time.

4. A Book on Boundary Setting and Communication (e.g., Set Boundaries, Find Peace):

Knowledge is power, and often the fear around boundaries is rooted in not knowing how to set them kindly and effectively. This provides the script and conviction needed to stop “Over-Explaining Your Boundaries” and helps master the firm, simple “No.”

5. A Premium Essential Oil Diffuser with Lavender or Bergamot:

Directly supports the need to take intentional breaks and soothe the nervous system. Aromatherapy can signal a change of state to your brain, making your “transition time” more effective at reducing cortisol levels and managing the tension from “Forced Smile and Emotional Masking.”