You know that feeling when you really want someone to like you? Maybe it’s a new boss, a difficult colleague, or someone you admire. What’s your first instinct? To offer help, right? To prove your worth by doing a favor for them. We think, “If I help them out, they’ll owe me one, and maybe they’ll respect me.”
But honestly? That often feels forced. It can come across as trying too hard, or maybe even a little condescending. It’s like standing outside their house holding a giant gift that nobody asked for.
Here’s the stunning psychological truth, the one that flips that script entirely: People don’t grow to like you because you do them a favor. They grow to like you because they did a favor for you.
This is the Benjamin Franklin Effect, and it’s not a parlor trick; it’s a deep-seated truth about how the human brain justifies its own behavior. If you want someone to like you, stop offering your resources. Instead, ask them for theirs.
The Day Ben Franklin Turned a Rival Into a Lifelong Friend
The name, as you might guess, comes from one of America’s Founding Fathers, Ben Franklin, a guy who was clearly a master of personal politics. He once had a rival legislator—a real hater, honestly—who was actively working against him in the Pennsylvania Assembly.
Franklin didn’t try to bribe him or fight him. He did something so subtle it was brilliant: He sent the rival a polite note asking to borrow a “very scarce and curious book” he knew the man owned.
The rival, flattered that his knowledge or resources were recognized, immediately sent the book. Franklin returned it a week later with a genuinely grateful note. What happened next was magic: the rival spoke to him civilly, for the first time ever, and “ever after manifested a readiness to serve [Franklin] on all occasions, so that we became great friends”.
Franklin summed it up: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
The Unconscious Engine: Why Our Actions Control Our Beliefs
This effect runs on pure psychological fuel, and you can’t fight it. The engine driving the BFE is a concept called Cognitive Dissonance.
Here’s what I mean: Your brain is constantly trying to make sense of the world and, crucially, trying to make sure that what you believe is consistent with how you act. When those two things clash, you feel this uncomfortable internal tension, like “the thinking equivalent of nails on a chalkboard”.
- Your Belief (Attitude): “I dislike this person,” or “I don’t really know/care about this person.”
- Your Action (Behavior): “I just spent time, effort, and money to do them a favor.”
Clash! Dissonance immediately kicks in.
Your brain’s easiest path to relieving that tension isn’t to say, “Wow, I acted against my principles.” That would make you feel like a bad or inconsistent person. No, the easiest path is to change the belief to match the action: “I helped them willingly… therefore, I must like this person after all”. The action dictates the feeling.
It’s an internal self-justification that makes you see yourself as a consistent, kind, and rational person.
The Dopamine Kick: Your Brain Chemically Reinforces Being Helpful
And get this: this isn’t just a mental rationalization; it’s physically rewarding. When you do something prosocial—a fancy word for doing something to benefit someone else—your brain’s dopamine reward system lights up.
Dopamine is the “feel good” chemical that reinforces behavior. When you feel validated and thanked for being helpful, your brain connects that positive feeling not just to the act of helping, but to the person who asked for help.
In fact, research on Parkinson’s Disease patients, who often have dopamine depletion, shows they are more willing to exert effort for others when they are on dopamine-boosting medication. Your motivation to help is literally chemically hardwired! By asking for a small, meaningful favor, you are giving the other person a healthy, instant boost of positive reinforcement that they now associate with you.
The Neurochemistry of Prosocial Reinforcement (Simplified)
| Brain Region/Chemical | Function in Reward Pathway | What It Does When Someone Helps You |
| Dopamine | Key for motivation, learning, and reinforcing behavior. | Chemically rewards the act of giving help, driving repetition of the action. |
| VTA/NAc (Reward Circuit) | Detects and mediates rewarding effects. | Registers the ‘reward’ associated with the favor, anchoring a positive value to the requester. |
The Trojan Horse for Relationships: Practical Applications
So, how do you apply this, ethically and effectively? It’s not about manipulating people into doing your laundry. It’s about creating moments of mutual investment.
1. The Power of the “Small Ask”
The favor must be small, manageable, and specific. If you ask for something too huge—like co-signing a loan—it creates resentment, not liking. The idea is to trigger that cognitive dissonance with minimal effort cost.
This also works because of the Consistency Principle. Once someone performs that first small favor, they feel an internal pressure to act consistently with that initial helpful behavior. It’s harder for them to refuse the next interaction because it would make their initial helpfulness seem random.
2. Seek Expertise, Not Just Effort (The Cognitive Favor)
The best favors you can ask for are those that validate the person’s skills or specialized knowledge. People genuinely love feeling knowledgeable.
This is the famous “cognitive favor.” Instead of asking for a tedious task, ask for their brain:
- In the Workplace: Don’t ask a colleague to write the report. Ask, “Could I quickly get your expert opinion on the strategic direction of this project plan?”
- In Fitness/Wellness: Don’t ask a gym friend to work out with you. Ask, “Hey, I saw you doing that specific lift; could you teach me the correct form? I don’t want to mess up.” (You acknowledge their competence and ask them to teach you something).
- With a Challenging Family Member: If you’re struggling to connect with a rebellious teen, ask them for help editing a video or explaining a social media trend. You validate their expertise, and it changes the entire dynamic.
BFE Application: Turning Neutrality into Investment
| Relational Goal | Strategic Request (The Ask) | Helper’s Internal Justification | Outcome |
| New connection/Ice-breaking. | “Do you mind holding my coffee for 30 seconds while I grab my keys?” (Small, momentary inconvenience) | “I’m a helpful, kind person; I must like this person a little.” | Initiates positive rapport and makes future interaction easier. |
| Bridging conflict/Negotiation. | “Could you use your expertise to critique this initial draft of my proposal?” (Seeking opinion). | “I am invested in the success of this plan, and I am a valued expert.” | De-escalates conflict by introducing collaborative effort. |
| Securing accountability (e.g., in a partnership). | “Could you help me remember to take the stairs today? I need the push.” | “I am a proactive, supportive peer; I can’t let them fail.” | Strengthens bonds through mutual commitment. |
3. The Vital Follow-Through: Gratitude
Franklin didn’t just take the book and run. He returned it with a note “expressing strongly [his] sense of the favour”.
This strong, specific gratitude is essential. It reinforces that positive reward loop in the helper’s brain. You’re showing them that their effort was seen, valued, and appreciated, ensuring they feel the dopamine kick that makes them want to help again.
A Word of Caution: Don’t Be a Manipulator
Look, this is a powerful tool, and with great power comes the need for ethical responsibility. The line between genuine influence and manipulation is thin.
When the BFE Backfires:
- Too High a Cost: If your request is overly time-consuming or expensive, the helper’s resentment at the cost will outweigh the pride of helping. You’ll just look demanding.
- Coercion: If the person feels they had no choice but to help, they will justify the action as “compliance under duress,” not kindness, and they will likely dislike you more.
- Lack of Authenticity: The requests must be genuine. Don’t ask for a favor you could easily do yourself just to trigger the bias. The goal is to build an authentic relationship based on mutual respect and shared competence, not to exploit a flaw in human psychology.
The ultimate takeaway here is incredibly freeing: you don’t have to impress people with your perfection or your resources. You just need the courage to be vulnerable enough to ask for their help. That act of vulnerability and validation gives them the opportunity to feel good about themselves. And when they feel good about themselves because of an interaction with you, that’s where true connection starts. Go ahead. Today, ask someone for a small, specific favor that validates their skills. See what happens.
